Golf Jokes

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny afternoon. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Sure enough, the ball hit one of the guys, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed over and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. “Ummph, ooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright… I’ll be fine in a few minutes”, he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.”Does that feel better?”, she asked.”Ohhh, Yeah….It feels *really* great”, he replied,”But my thumb still hurts like hell!”

There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway .. a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked “I think I know that guy .. isn’t that Dick Green?” “No” replied another, “I think it’s a reflection of the grass!”

A guy was on a holiday in Mexico and rented a car to go to the nearest golfcourse for a round of golf. When he returned the car, the man in the car rental agency noticed that the golfer had dropped something in the front seat and said: “Excuse me, sir, but are these yours?” “Yes, thanks, those are my tees.” “What do you do with them?” “I put my balls on them when I drive…”

A pretty terrible golfer was playing a round of golf for which he had hired a caddie. The round proved to be somewhat tortuous for the caddie to watch and he was getting a bit exasperated by the poor play of his employer. At one point the ball lay about 180 yards from the green and the as the golfer sized up his situation, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?” And the caddie replied, “Eventually.”

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, ” I can’t believe you missed that putt!” “That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.” The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”

“Caddy, why do you keep looking at your watch?” asked the curious golfer.”It’s not a watch, sir. It’s a compass”

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.

She blocks the path to her golfbag, looks at her and says, “I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you’ve treated my buttercups. From now on…you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.” The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”

“It’s over here in the pussy willows,” he replied.

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DO NOT HIT THE BALL!!!!

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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. “Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

“We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

“I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball — stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”